My mother has diabetes. I can't recall if I've mentioned that here before or not, but that diagnosis has definitely been a big part of my motivation to lose weight. It sounds silly, but losing weight "just" to look/feel better struck me as too selfish, too superficial (thank goodness, I am learning to change my mind about that: I realize now that that is no "just"!). But losing weight to be healthy and avoid disease seems very reasonable. Although my mother is actually pretty healthy and not insulin-dependent, the idea of the disease itself nonetheless terrifies me, and I absolutely DO NOT WANT TO GET IT. I am aware that my severe hypoglycemia might well be a precursor, that several relatives besides my mother have diabetes, that biology is not on my side, and so I am extremely motivated to do everything in my power to not let it happen.
So far, I have been somewhat private about my weight loss with my family for several personal reasons: above all, there has been a lot of weird competition and jealousy there, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I've always been thinner/healthier/more health-focused than my mom or sister, and when I am thin, I definitely feel the tension with them. At the same time, my parents do believe in taking care of oneself, and are big proponents of the gym, etc. So I made a calculated decision to tell them I was working out a lot, trying to take care of myself, but NOT mentioning Weight Watchers. I simply didn't want my progress losing weight to be so squarely on their radar, to be commented on and called attention to. I want more privacy in the process. It feels safer, easier; for now, at least, I am only telling people whom it is not complicated and fraught to tell (makes sense, no?). When I visited a few weeks ago, they both commented that I was losing weight, and I just smiled and said thanks. I didn't mention Weight Watchers, I didn't even mention dieting. I just said I was exercising a lot and trying to take care of myself. That I didn't want to get diabetes.
That seemed like a really great choice, and I'm sticking with it. But something else funny happened; I noticed that every time I said I wanted to avoid getting diabetes, my mother said "or forestall it." It really got under my skin. And she has starting changing her own narrative about diabetes, saying that she knew, with our bad family history and health issues, that it was "inevitable" that she would get it. And that likewise, all I could do is try to delay it as long as possible.
And I say: bullshit to that.
I tried and tried to figure out how to deal with this, because I find such messages incredibly undermining and sabotaging. Obviously, I do not have total control over the universe. Genetics will play the hand that it is going to play. But I am not going to roll over and assume that the best I can do is forestall the inevitable. Instead, I am determined to NOT get this disease, and to take every human step I can take to not get it. But I also wanted to address the negative message, in a loving way, to get her on my side. So I wrote this email:
"I also want to thank you for rooting me on with all the healthy changes I'm making. I've been doing some research, specifically into 'how not to get diabetes,' and want to tell you the wonderful news that it is by no means certain that I will get this disease. According to diabetes.org, 'In general, if you have type 2 diabetes, the risk of your child getting diabetes is 1 in 7 if you were diagnosed before age 50 and 1 in 13 if you were diagnosed after age 50.' I think I can beat those odds, and am absolutely determined to make all the lifestyle changes I need to make to make that happen. So let's not talk about merely forestalling, but preventing! That's my wholehearted aim. (Obviously, I can't control the universe, but heck almighty if I'm not going to do my part)."
It felt extremely good to send it. And how could she not respond positively? And indeed, she sent an incredibly encouraging email back, saying she was delighted to hear those statistics and glad I was doing all I can to prevent diabetes.
So delighted--a big non-scale victory: how to turn a place of potential sabotage (however unconscious or even however well-intended) into a place of support!
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