It's been 7 weeks since I started Weight Watchers, and today was a thrilling weigh-in day!
* I've lost 10 pounds
* Which means I've met my 5% goal
* And also puts me at the halfway point for my goal
May 11, 2011: 154.6
June 28, 2011: 144.6
Goal weight: 134*
I think this is my goal weight, but I might adjust it down to 130 later. I want to see how I feel as I go along.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
What TO eat: Breakfast edition
Breakfast: the most important meal of the day. This may be true for everyone, but it is the most especially and most urgently true for the hypoglycemic. The magic pill for most of us is to keep our blood sugar steady, which means eating frequently--as often as 6 times a day--and eating meals that contain the right balance of protein, fiber, fat, and carbohydrates. It also means eating as soon as possible after what is, after all, at least an 8 hour fast every night (many hypoglycemics find a benefit from having even a 100-calorie snack right before bed, to minimize the number of fasting hours). This advice--eat 5-6 meals a day, consider a small snack before bed, eat a generous breakfast very soon after waking, eat fat at every meal--all of this seems counter-intuitive to a weight watcher. But speaking only for myself, by eating every 2-3 hours, I essentially do for myself the work that my pancreas and adrenal glands (the major sugar regulatory system) can't seem to do for themselves: i.e. I keep my blood sugar nice and steady. And when my blood sugar is steady, it is 1000 times easier not to overeat, and not to set off the terrible chain link reaction that happens to your body and your metabolism when your blood sugar falls.
So one of the things I want to say to my fellow weight-watching hypoglycemics is: don't be afraid to eat! I have eaten 5-6 times a day every day I've been on Weight Watchers, and I have lost weight every week.
I think one problem that hypoglycemics can get into while dieting is the desire not to "waste" their calories/points on breakfast. Again, I urge you to try--do it as an experiment for a week if you're not sold--to eat a great, full breakfast. Weight Watchers, I mean a 7-8 point breakfast, not the measly 3 point nonsense a lot of people force themselves to live on!
So here are some sample hypoglycemic-friendly breakfast meals. I'm listing them in approximate order of how frequently I eat them. I eat some variation of the fage yogurt breakfast about 4-5 times/week:
1) One cup of 2% Fage or other Greek yogurt (hypoglycemics need a little fat!), 2 tablespoons wheat germ, 1 cup mixed berries, 1 Tbsp. chopped almonds or walnuts. Sometimes I also add a quarter cup of uncooked rolled oats--just sprinkle them on with the wheat germ.
Another, perhaps even healthier option, is to have 0% fat Greek yogurt (dairy fat is saturated fat, after all), but include closer to 2 Tbsp. of nuts. If fruit is hard for you to handle in the morning (as it used to be for me: I'm still amazed I can eat it--but again, only with enough protein and fat!), then skip it and have the rolled oats. You can have your fruit later in the day, when it's easier to process.
Add other nutritional supplements (spirulina, flax seeds, etc.) as you like.
2) Omelette. The options are endless. My base is usually (a) two whole eggs plus two egg whites [5 points] or (b) one whole egg and three egg whites [4 points]. There is more cholesterol, but also more protein, in the whole egg, so you have to decide what's best for you. I then add 1/2 to 1 oz. of a really tasty cheese (gruyere, blue, goat) for a maximum of flavor. Then load up on veggies: red onion, mushroom, arugula, peppers, whatever you love. You can add a piece of toast or 1/4 oatmeal or veggie sausage and some fruit and still keep the meal at 8 points.
3) Smoothie. Soy milk, protein powder, spirulina, fruit, a glob of fage, sometimes a dab of almond or peanut butter. The plus: quick and easy. The negative: protein powder is not a whole food. But making this is a hundred times better than skipping breakfast.
4) Tofu scramble. With onions, mushrooms, veggies, and add a couple of tablespoons of nutritional yeast. Serve with some fruit.
5) Cottage cheese. With all the stuff you put on your fage.
6) Optimum slim cereal. This is about as whole foods and high protein as a processed cereal can get. Add soy milk, wheat germ, fruit, and a dozen almonds.
7) English breakfast. Sometimes we like to do a variation on the traditional British breakfast. Beans, toast, pan fried tomatoes, vegetarian sausage, one fried egg. Fun and yummy. I even put marmite on the toast.
ONE LAST THOUGHT ON PROTEIN:
Keep track. If you are suffering from hypoglyemic symptoms, try experimenting with different quantities of protein in the morning, and journal how you feel. If you follow this diligently for a few weeks, you should be able to determine exactly (I mean, to the gram!) how much protein you genuinely need in the morning. Through a lot of trial and error, I have learned that 20-24 grams of protein = happy me, and less than 20, or lord help me less than 16 = miserable me. Your mileage may vary.
TWO THOUGHTS ON BEVERAGES:
*** Drink less coffee. As important as all the other breakfast advice, maybe more so, is to cut way down on your caffeine consumption. Coffee overstimulates your adrenal glands. Need I say more?
*** Skip the juice. Human bodies are made to eat, not drink, their calories. I realize that I break this rule with my smoothie. But fruit juice is particularly hard for a hypoglycemic to handle. I adore fresh squeezed orange juice and grapefruit juice, so I have it on rare occasion: but only 2 oz., and only after I've eaten my protein.
All these meals come in at about 6-9 points, depending on how I load them up. They all also contain a balance of protein, fiber, fat, and carb that really works for my body. It took a lot of trial and error to figure it out, but now I know how many grams of protein, and how much fat and fiber, I really need at each meal in order to be OK. If you are having trouble with your weight loss and/or your hypoglycemia, see if the bigger breakfast can work for you too!
So one of the things I want to say to my fellow weight-watching hypoglycemics is: don't be afraid to eat! I have eaten 5-6 times a day every day I've been on Weight Watchers, and I have lost weight every week.
I think one problem that hypoglycemics can get into while dieting is the desire not to "waste" their calories/points on breakfast. Again, I urge you to try--do it as an experiment for a week if you're not sold--to eat a great, full breakfast. Weight Watchers, I mean a 7-8 point breakfast, not the measly 3 point nonsense a lot of people force themselves to live on!
So here are some sample hypoglycemic-friendly breakfast meals. I'm listing them in approximate order of how frequently I eat them. I eat some variation of the fage yogurt breakfast about 4-5 times/week:
1) One cup of 2% Fage or other Greek yogurt (hypoglycemics need a little fat!), 2 tablespoons wheat germ, 1 cup mixed berries, 1 Tbsp. chopped almonds or walnuts. Sometimes I also add a quarter cup of uncooked rolled oats--just sprinkle them on with the wheat germ.
Another, perhaps even healthier option, is to have 0% fat Greek yogurt (dairy fat is saturated fat, after all), but include closer to 2 Tbsp. of nuts. If fruit is hard for you to handle in the morning (as it used to be for me: I'm still amazed I can eat it--but again, only with enough protein and fat!), then skip it and have the rolled oats. You can have your fruit later in the day, when it's easier to process.
Add other nutritional supplements (spirulina, flax seeds, etc.) as you like.
2) Omelette. The options are endless. My base is usually (a) two whole eggs plus two egg whites [5 points] or (b) one whole egg and three egg whites [4 points]. There is more cholesterol, but also more protein, in the whole egg, so you have to decide what's best for you. I then add 1/2 to 1 oz. of a really tasty cheese (gruyere, blue, goat) for a maximum of flavor. Then load up on veggies: red onion, mushroom, arugula, peppers, whatever you love. You can add a piece of toast or 1/4 oatmeal or veggie sausage and some fruit and still keep the meal at 8 points.
3) Smoothie. Soy milk, protein powder, spirulina, fruit, a glob of fage, sometimes a dab of almond or peanut butter. The plus: quick and easy. The negative: protein powder is not a whole food. But making this is a hundred times better than skipping breakfast.
4) Tofu scramble. With onions, mushrooms, veggies, and add a couple of tablespoons of nutritional yeast. Serve with some fruit.
5) Cottage cheese. With all the stuff you put on your fage.
6) Optimum slim cereal. This is about as whole foods and high protein as a processed cereal can get. Add soy milk, wheat germ, fruit, and a dozen almonds.
7) English breakfast. Sometimes we like to do a variation on the traditional British breakfast. Beans, toast, pan fried tomatoes, vegetarian sausage, one fried egg. Fun and yummy. I even put marmite on the toast.
ONE LAST THOUGHT ON PROTEIN:
Keep track. If you are suffering from hypoglyemic symptoms, try experimenting with different quantities of protein in the morning, and journal how you feel. If you follow this diligently for a few weeks, you should be able to determine exactly (I mean, to the gram!) how much protein you genuinely need in the morning. Through a lot of trial and error, I have learned that 20-24 grams of protein = happy me, and less than 20, or lord help me less than 16 = miserable me. Your mileage may vary.
TWO THOUGHTS ON BEVERAGES:
*** Drink less coffee. As important as all the other breakfast advice, maybe more so, is to cut way down on your caffeine consumption. Coffee overstimulates your adrenal glands. Need I say more?
*** Skip the juice. Human bodies are made to eat, not drink, their calories. I realize that I break this rule with my smoothie. But fruit juice is particularly hard for a hypoglycemic to handle. I adore fresh squeezed orange juice and grapefruit juice, so I have it on rare occasion: but only 2 oz., and only after I've eaten my protein.
All these meals come in at about 6-9 points, depending on how I load them up. They all also contain a balance of protein, fiber, fat, and carb that really works for my body. It took a lot of trial and error to figure it out, but now I know how many grams of protein, and how much fat and fiber, I really need at each meal in order to be OK. If you are having trouble with your weight loss and/or your hypoglycemia, see if the bigger breakfast can work for you too!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Page a day, pound a week
You know, this incremental weight loss, which I feared so impossible just weeks ago, really feels manageable now. I feel that it is now just a matter of consistency, commitment, and gradualism. I'm not trying to lose 10 pounds in a week. But I am trying to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. One week at a time. One pound at a time. This feels so much less scary and overwhelming than looking in the mirror and discovering: no! I'm 20 pounds overweight! How will I ever lose 20 pounds? I forget where I read this, but it really makes sense now: I will just lose one pound. But I will do it 20 times.
Since this seems to be working and making so much sense, I'm going to apply this to another area of my life, too. I'm an academic, so the main thing I have to do in the summer, besides prep the next year's courses, is research and WRITE. And I can sometimes feel overwhelmed by how much I need to write. Among other things (several articles, reviews, encyclopedia entries, etc.) I have to write a book. How will I ever write a book??
Now I know! I will write one page. I will just do it many (many) times.
So, starting today, instead of binge writing in fits and starts, I'm going to try writing a page a day. If it blossoms into more writing, wonderful. But every day I only have to write one page (good cop)!
And every day I HAVE to write one page (bad cop)!
Since this seems to be working and making so much sense, I'm going to apply this to another area of my life, too. I'm an academic, so the main thing I have to do in the summer, besides prep the next year's courses, is research and WRITE. And I can sometimes feel overwhelmed by how much I need to write. Among other things (several articles, reviews, encyclopedia entries, etc.) I have to write a book. How will I ever write a book??
Now I know! I will write one page. I will just do it many (many) times.
So, starting today, instead of binge writing in fits and starts, I'm going to try writing a page a day. If it blossoms into more writing, wonderful. But every day I only have to write one page (good cop)!
And every day I HAVE to write one page (bad cop)!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A calorie is indeed not a calorie
What was I saying just yesterday? Although the title of this piece would seem incredibly self-evident ("To avoid middle-age weight gain, drop the chips and hot dogs"), their findings are fascinatingly specific about the ways in which a calorie is not a calorie:
Some specifics:
**"Those with a taste for certain unhealthy foods packed on pounds faster, however. Eating one serving of potato chips per day was associated with an extra 1.7 pounds every four years, while a daily serving of french fries was associated with an extra 3.4 pounds. And each daily serving of soda, processed meat, and red meat was associated with about 1 extra pound."
** "On the other hand, some foods appeared to fight weight gain. For each daily serving of yogurt they ate, the study participants gained about 0.8 fewer pounds than expected, and for each daily serving of fruit and nuts, they gained about half a pound less over each four-year period."
And speaking of yogurt, fruit, and nuts, I'll be back soon to tell you about great breakfast foods for hypoglycemics.
Some specifics:
**"Those with a taste for certain unhealthy foods packed on pounds faster, however. Eating one serving of potato chips per day was associated with an extra 1.7 pounds every four years, while a daily serving of french fries was associated with an extra 3.4 pounds. And each daily serving of soda, processed meat, and red meat was associated with about 1 extra pound."
** "On the other hand, some foods appeared to fight weight gain. For each daily serving of yogurt they ate, the study participants gained about 0.8 fewer pounds than expected, and for each daily serving of fruit and nuts, they gained about half a pound less over each four-year period."
And speaking of yogurt, fruit, and nuts, I'll be back soon to tell you about great breakfast foods for hypoglycemics.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
What (not) to eat
I am delighted with my membership at Weight Watchers. I am slowly and steadily losing weight (average 1.1 pounds/week); having a weekly place to weigh in and chat with people is helpful and motivating; the website and iphone app are terrific; and the points system is easy to learn and to use. But since Weight Watchers is essentially just a portion control plan, people use a very wide variety of paths to get to their daily allotment of points. If you follow their good health guidelines (which, though proprietary, accord with USDA recommendations: e.g. make sure to have at least 5 servings of fruit/veggies), then you will at least get some whole foods in your diets. But I've also heard all sorts of cockamamie suggestions for what to eat. I mostly bite my tongue because I'm not the leader, I'm not there to proselytize, and I know that not everyone is ready to lose weight and eat whole food. Still, some of bad advice I hear bandied about in meetings amazes me.
For example, at WW meetings you may well hear suggestions about eating (low points foods) at McDonald's. You might well be encouraged to eat (low point quantities) of highly processed, packaged foods--indeed, quite a few of them are sold by the WW corporation itself! I've even attended a meeting with a leader who told us that she eats ice cream (in a low point quantity) every night.
So I need to say it here because I can't really say it in the meeting: "a point is a point" is just as much of a lie as "a calorie is a calorie"! Yes, from the weight loss perspective, it's very simple: create a calorie deficit, and you will lose weight. But if what you are trying to do is not just lose weight, but make positive lifestyle changes, prevent disease, and create for yourself a glowing state of health, then you need to do more than just eat less. You also need... and I'm going to tell you the big secret, so hold on tight...
You also need to EAT *FOOD*. Not--to borrow Michael Pollan's parlance--"edible food-like substances." But actual food. Eating a 2 point diet bar/protein bar/snack package/pick your laboratory-concocted food-like substance is not the same thing as eating a 2 point serving of actual food. And if you are diabetic or hypoglycemic, or if you want to avoid being one of these things, then for goulash's sake you need to eat meals made with whole foods in a reasonably balanced proportion of macro-nutrients. No one on earth is going to tell me that an avocado isn't healthier than some lower-point laboratory-concocted chemical cocktail that contains fat-simulating flavors. NO NO NO NO!
Now, in WW's defense, the point system does to a large extent take care of all this. If a food is higher in fiber or protein, it is lower in points (e.g. caloric impact) than a food high in fat or poor carbs (another food that is badly misunderstood: all carbs are not created equal, but more on that another time). So you are rewarded with lower points for a meal of garbanzo beans and green peppers than a meal of pork and tortilla chips. But the WW folks are not thinking about your blood sugar. The folks at WW also want to sell more 2-point snack bars of food-like substances. And so those of us who are hypoglycemic or diabetic must essentially follow two plans at once: mobilizing all the good health guidelines for blood sugar stability through the points system. This isn't nearly as hard as it sounds, but it does require tweaking the system in a few common-sense ways. For example: eating a filling, high-protein and high-fiber nutritious breakfast, rather than squeaking by on an English muffin and an egg-white and saving your points for that late-night ice cream. And: following the glycemic index carefully--e.g. don't munch down on high-glycemic foods that have low WW points (e.g. carrots), or only do so if you pair those foods with enough fat and protein to mitigate the high-glycemic impact. That stack of carrots might be a "diet" food for someone else, but it's only going to trigger a blood sugar crash in me.
In future posts I'm going to speak a little more extensively about what I am eating, and how I've modified my whole foods diet to work on the WW program, as well as how I'm tweaking the WW program when necessary to prioritize whole foods, low-glycemic eating. First up: breakfast.
For example, at WW meetings you may well hear suggestions about eating (low points foods) at McDonald's. You might well be encouraged to eat (low point quantities) of highly processed, packaged foods--indeed, quite a few of them are sold by the WW corporation itself! I've even attended a meeting with a leader who told us that she eats ice cream (in a low point quantity) every night.
So I need to say it here because I can't really say it in the meeting: "a point is a point" is just as much of a lie as "a calorie is a calorie"! Yes, from the weight loss perspective, it's very simple: create a calorie deficit, and you will lose weight. But if what you are trying to do is not just lose weight, but make positive lifestyle changes, prevent disease, and create for yourself a glowing state of health, then you need to do more than just eat less. You also need... and I'm going to tell you the big secret, so hold on tight...
You also need to EAT *FOOD*. Not--to borrow Michael Pollan's parlance--"edible food-like substances." But actual food. Eating a 2 point diet bar/protein bar/snack package/pick your laboratory-concocted food-like substance is not the same thing as eating a 2 point serving of actual food. And if you are diabetic or hypoglycemic, or if you want to avoid being one of these things, then for goulash's sake you need to eat meals made with whole foods in a reasonably balanced proportion of macro-nutrients. No one on earth is going to tell me that an avocado isn't healthier than some lower-point laboratory-concocted chemical cocktail that contains fat-simulating flavors. NO NO NO NO!
Now, in WW's defense, the point system does to a large extent take care of all this. If a food is higher in fiber or protein, it is lower in points (e.g. caloric impact) than a food high in fat or poor carbs (another food that is badly misunderstood: all carbs are not created equal, but more on that another time). So you are rewarded with lower points for a meal of garbanzo beans and green peppers than a meal of pork and tortilla chips. But the WW folks are not thinking about your blood sugar. The folks at WW also want to sell more 2-point snack bars of food-like substances. And so those of us who are hypoglycemic or diabetic must essentially follow two plans at once: mobilizing all the good health guidelines for blood sugar stability through the points system. This isn't nearly as hard as it sounds, but it does require tweaking the system in a few common-sense ways. For example: eating a filling, high-protein and high-fiber nutritious breakfast, rather than squeaking by on an English muffin and an egg-white and saving your points for that late-night ice cream. And: following the glycemic index carefully--e.g. don't munch down on high-glycemic foods that have low WW points (e.g. carrots), or only do so if you pair those foods with enough fat and protein to mitigate the high-glycemic impact. That stack of carrots might be a "diet" food for someone else, but it's only going to trigger a blood sugar crash in me.
In future posts I'm going to speak a little more extensively about what I am eating, and how I've modified my whole foods diet to work on the WW program, as well as how I'm tweaking the WW program when necessary to prioritize whole foods, low-glycemic eating. First up: breakfast.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Benefits of a bad workout
I had a pretty crappy workout yesterday. We'd driven home after a long weekend out of town, and had stayed up too late, driven too long, and faced too many errands when we returned for me to put my all into it at the gym. I thought about not going at all, because what, I thought, was really the point. I had a half hour in me at most, and it seemed silly to bother.
But I got my butt over the gym, and did a half hour of lackluster exercise. I'd be shocked if I burned two points, though the bike machine recorded 150 calories. Whoop. I even drove to the gym--a 10 minute walk away (I don't usually count the activity points of that walk or other minor activity--I just do it because I should!). And unlike some other occasions on which I've not been in the mood, dragged myself to the gym anyway, and then found myself having a great workout, this was decidedly NOT, let me repeat, a great workout. I didn't wind up pushing myself harder than expected. I didn't wind up adding extra time. I didn't wind out doing a bit of lifting while I was there. I didn't even do any stretching. I just sat down on the bike machine with a magazine, pedaled for a half hour, and drove back home.
But I am so, so glad I went.
Why? Because I have learned that for me, if I stop, if I have reasons not to go, then there will always be reasons not to go. There will always be work to do, or tiredness, or some other reason. But if reasons never even enter into it, then it's just what I do. It's who I am. I don't negotiate with myself about whether today is a day I will brush my teeth or walk my dogs. These things are not optional; they are just what I do. I suppose this is a more loving way of thinking about what it means to "just do it," which has always sounded a bit hostile (stop being a whiner!) to me. I think what it means, for me, is that "it is just what I do."
I was thinking last night as I pedaled: this is not a love affair. This is a marriage. And therefore you show up every day, and bring the best you have to the table, even if what you have that day is not very much. You don't say: I'm not feeling it today, so I'm not coming home tonight. No, you bring yourself everyday, hopefully usually with a whole heart and lots of energy, but with whatever heart and energy you've got.
Best of all, doing so means that it's easier to keep doing so, to show up the next day with that heart and energy, because you didn't let yourself down the day before. If I hadn't gone yesterday, I would have felt frustrated and ashamed today, and that shame and frustration is NOT motivating: instead, it causes hiding behavior. Shirking behavior. But by showing up, I was true to myself and my goals, and that makes it easier to be true to them today--when I have some energy back, and am ready to put in a kick-ass workout!
But I got my butt over the gym, and did a half hour of lackluster exercise. I'd be shocked if I burned two points, though the bike machine recorded 150 calories. Whoop. I even drove to the gym--a 10 minute walk away (I don't usually count the activity points of that walk or other minor activity--I just do it because I should!). And unlike some other occasions on which I've not been in the mood, dragged myself to the gym anyway, and then found myself having a great workout, this was decidedly NOT, let me repeat, a great workout. I didn't wind up pushing myself harder than expected. I didn't wind up adding extra time. I didn't wind out doing a bit of lifting while I was there. I didn't even do any stretching. I just sat down on the bike machine with a magazine, pedaled for a half hour, and drove back home.
But I am so, so glad I went.
Why? Because I have learned that for me, if I stop, if I have reasons not to go, then there will always be reasons not to go. There will always be work to do, or tiredness, or some other reason. But if reasons never even enter into it, then it's just what I do. It's who I am. I don't negotiate with myself about whether today is a day I will brush my teeth or walk my dogs. These things are not optional; they are just what I do. I suppose this is a more loving way of thinking about what it means to "just do it," which has always sounded a bit hostile (stop being a whiner!) to me. I think what it means, for me, is that "it is just what I do."
I was thinking last night as I pedaled: this is not a love affair. This is a marriage. And therefore you show up every day, and bring the best you have to the table, even if what you have that day is not very much. You don't say: I'm not feeling it today, so I'm not coming home tonight. No, you bring yourself everyday, hopefully usually with a whole heart and lots of energy, but with whatever heart and energy you've got.
Best of all, doing so means that it's easier to keep doing so, to show up the next day with that heart and energy, because you didn't let yourself down the day before. If I hadn't gone yesterday, I would have felt frustrated and ashamed today, and that shame and frustration is NOT motivating: instead, it causes hiding behavior. Shirking behavior. But by showing up, I was true to myself and my goals, and that makes it easier to be true to them today--when I have some energy back, and am ready to put in a kick-ass workout!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
On weight loss and identity (Or: how I quit smoking)
Yesterday I wrote a bit about the reframing that is required in becoming a thin (or not overweight) person. In the past, substantial weight loss has always required this for me: trying to get a new handle on who I am, who I am in the world, and how my relationship and even identity shift as a result of being "thin person." You wouldn't think such a thing would be existential. It's just more or fewer pounds. But in my experience, it really is: it changes your sense of your own being, and certainly the way others treat you, significantly enough that actual identity is caught up in the transition. I mentioned that in the past this has always been a bit of a stumbling block for me. I can lose the weight. But can I live being an existentially thin person? That seems to require a whole other set of skills, and I'm not sure I can get them from a commercial diet site. I have to learn how to occupy that version of my identity.
I've been thinking about this in terms of how I quit smoking, many years ago. My guess is that I may be the only person on earth who quit smoking this way, but perhaps you have parallels to draw on of your own. For me, it was a two part process. And the first really had to do with this: rethinking my identity. I identified as a smoker. This was over 20 years ago now, but basically it had to do with all those silly things I had been advertised into believing: that smoking was a counter-cultural gesture, that it made me a bad-ass, that it enabled me a certain kind of freedom (there is so much about life I can't control. But I can have a cigarette any time I want!). I really connected to those things. And I realized that to quit smoking, I would have to do more than break the habit, survive the withdrawal symptoms, and learn other coping mechanisms for stress. I realized I also had to stop identifying as a smoker.
And that's what I did. I began thinking about all the aspects of my identity that countered that smoker's identity. What was it about me that was, existentially, a non-smoking person? And so I identified all of the things that correlated with a non-smoker's identity, such as my vegetarianism, my love of hiking, my anti-corporate feelings (why give money to a rich corporation whose sole raison d'etre was to addict me to their poison?), etc. And I focused on this identity with a genuine intensity, told myself repeatedly this version of the story of who I was. And in becoming her, thinking as her, I found what I needed to make the transition psychologically. Three weeks of withdrawal symptoms? Shrug. You just tough it out. I had to BECOME a non-smoker. So that's what I did.
So what does it take to become a thin person? What aspects of my identity or self-perception are wrapped up in being an overweight person, and can I let some of them go? For example, I have often offered up this justification that I can't be bothered to spend time at the gym working on my body because, you know, as an intellectual person I'm above all that. I have more important ways to spend my time than perfecting X muscle or maintaining Y weight. And while this is true in some abstract sense, that Dostoevsky is more important than deltoids, this way of framing it is also a partial truth, indeed a deception. Because the time I spend to make my body healthy is not just decorative. It makes me radiant with life, energy, confidence, optimism--and these things most certainly are as important as Dostoevsky! So I have to tell myself the new, truer narratives about these things, and most of all, locate those parts of myself that identify as a person who seeks radiant health, life, etc. For me, I think I can likewise draw too on those strategies that worked for me when quitting smoking over two decades ago. For example: do I want to be one of those ordinary fat entitled Americans (not to pick on my countrymen--there are fat people everywhere--but with 2/3 of our population overweight, we certainly have an international reputation as a culture of fatness). Do I identify with that?? Good God no! So I have to root out those self-justifications and habits that cause me to be identified as this, when I am not actively choosing it.
Thin Bibliogrrl is not just an intellectual. She is also a radiantly alive person, an optimistic and confident person. Thin Bibliogrrl has enormous amounts of energy. Thin Bibliogrrl surprises people with her real age because she is so healthy. Thin Bibliogrrl does not make the lazy or easy choices, but eats whole foods, rides her bike instead of driving when possible, does not mindlessly gobble down food or alcohol. Thin Bibliogrrl has a balanced life that is not all work but leaves time for taking care of myself, because taking care of myself means I can be more fully present for all parts of my life. Thin Bibliogrrl is not going to get diabetes like her mother. Thin Bibliogrrl does not wait until tomorrow to do things: she seizes the day with all her heart. Thin Bibliogrrl looks goddamn good in a pencil skirt.
I've been thinking about this in terms of how I quit smoking, many years ago. My guess is that I may be the only person on earth who quit smoking this way, but perhaps you have parallels to draw on of your own. For me, it was a two part process. And the first really had to do with this: rethinking my identity. I identified as a smoker. This was over 20 years ago now, but basically it had to do with all those silly things I had been advertised into believing: that smoking was a counter-cultural gesture, that it made me a bad-ass, that it enabled me a certain kind of freedom (there is so much about life I can't control. But I can have a cigarette any time I want!). I really connected to those things. And I realized that to quit smoking, I would have to do more than break the habit, survive the withdrawal symptoms, and learn other coping mechanisms for stress. I realized I also had to stop identifying as a smoker.
And that's what I did. I began thinking about all the aspects of my identity that countered that smoker's identity. What was it about me that was, existentially, a non-smoking person? And so I identified all of the things that correlated with a non-smoker's identity, such as my vegetarianism, my love of hiking, my anti-corporate feelings (why give money to a rich corporation whose sole raison d'etre was to addict me to their poison?), etc. And I focused on this identity with a genuine intensity, told myself repeatedly this version of the story of who I was. And in becoming her, thinking as her, I found what I needed to make the transition psychologically. Three weeks of withdrawal symptoms? Shrug. You just tough it out. I had to BECOME a non-smoker. So that's what I did.
So what does it take to become a thin person? What aspects of my identity or self-perception are wrapped up in being an overweight person, and can I let some of them go? For example, I have often offered up this justification that I can't be bothered to spend time at the gym working on my body because, you know, as an intellectual person I'm above all that. I have more important ways to spend my time than perfecting X muscle or maintaining Y weight. And while this is true in some abstract sense, that Dostoevsky is more important than deltoids, this way of framing it is also a partial truth, indeed a deception. Because the time I spend to make my body healthy is not just decorative. It makes me radiant with life, energy, confidence, optimism--and these things most certainly are as important as Dostoevsky! So I have to tell myself the new, truer narratives about these things, and most of all, locate those parts of myself that identify as a person who seeks radiant health, life, etc. For me, I think I can likewise draw too on those strategies that worked for me when quitting smoking over two decades ago. For example: do I want to be one of those ordinary fat entitled Americans (not to pick on my countrymen--there are fat people everywhere--but with 2/3 of our population overweight, we certainly have an international reputation as a culture of fatness). Do I identify with that?? Good God no! So I have to root out those self-justifications and habits that cause me to be identified as this, when I am not actively choosing it.
Thin Bibliogrrl is not just an intellectual. She is also a radiantly alive person, an optimistic and confident person. Thin Bibliogrrl has enormous amounts of energy. Thin Bibliogrrl surprises people with her real age because she is so healthy. Thin Bibliogrrl does not make the lazy or easy choices, but eats whole foods, rides her bike instead of driving when possible, does not mindlessly gobble down food or alcohol. Thin Bibliogrrl has a balanced life that is not all work but leaves time for taking care of myself, because taking care of myself means I can be more fully present for all parts of my life. Thin Bibliogrrl is not going to get diabetes like her mother. Thin Bibliogrrl does not wait until tomorrow to do things: she seizes the day with all her heart. Thin Bibliogrrl looks goddamn good in a pencil skirt.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Meeting topic: Support System
At a recent WW meeting (two weeks ago?) we talked for quite a while about our support systems, and the meeting leader encouraged us to spend some time thanking all the people who have supported us during our weight loss. She reminded us that when it gets difficult—and it will get difficult—that it will be especially important to lean on those people. And I realized that, truth be told, I had only told two people (!) that I’d joined WW: my sister, who hasn’t brought it up again since, and my partner. I started this blog in hopes of feeling less ashamed about my need to lose 20 pounds, and also to get some of the support on line that I wasn’t sure how to find in person. But I also promised myself I would find someone in person to “come out to” about this. I have lunch with her Wednesday and am going to tell her then. (Hey, I mean to tell other people in time. And soon they’ll spot it. But one step at a time).
I’ve been thinking a lot about this: why all the shame? Being ashamed about being overweight is one thing. I’m not saying one should feel ashamed, but there are certainly a thousand cultural messages that make that shame understandable. But why feel ashamed for trying to lose weight? Why not grab a bullhorn? Well, of course, in part because it casts a spotlight on the attempt and therefore possible failure (I’m not trying to be negative, but hey: we don’t succeed at everything we try in life, and nobody starts their weight loss program certain they will succeed. Though I’m getting more certain every day!). Partly I find I sometimes need to get used to something quietly, privately, and only later let people in on it—not just with this, but all sorts of big changes and decisions. I can be a private person that way. To be honest, then, it’s somewhat reassuring that for the most part my weight loss has so far been invisible to people—well, I do think I’m getting checked out more, and as I mentioned, my partner has noticed—but 7 pounds isn’t so dramatic that the spotlight is on me. I want time to get used to it inside myself, before I let the world and their opinions in. In this sense, weirdly, I’m glad the weight loss doesn’t go any more quickly. One needs time to adjust to one’s new self, pound by pound. How do I inhabit this changing body? How do I occupy a slightly different place on this earth? Who is this me whose form is changing?
OK, so a desire for privacy, space and time to think and adjust. But is there still some shame, some hiding? Yes, for me there is. And over the last few days the “why” has started to come into focus for me, in part because of some thinking I’ve been doing for a long time, and in part because of something I read on my new most favoritest blog ever. Sheryl (aka “bitch cakes”) wrote about one somewhat uncomfortable aspect of reaching goal: people feeling endlessly free to offer unsolicited comments about her body. And boy, do I get that. It’s not just the intrusiveness alone (like her, I’m tattooed; like her, I get very sick of people commenting on them; unlike her, I still love mine!). When she lost her weight, and I can corroborate this from being at goal in the past, not all comments one gets are positive. Some, she observed, are downright passive aggressive, such as the comment that one is too “skinny,” a very charged term, I think. “Don’t lose more weight!” “You’re wasting away!” I’ve heard equally upsetting comments, even at the upper end of my healthy weight range. I even was told once—by a nutritionist—that I had an eating disorder because I was tracking all my food. People, I was glowingly healthy, happily poised around 130-135, and came in to talk about how to safely get down to 125-130—see if there was anything I could fine-tune that would work for me as a hypoglycemic and a vegetarian. I did NOT have, and indeed have never had, an eating disorder. It was a real eye-opener, but it also destabilized me quite a bit, and actually threw me off my eating plan. Very upsetting: I felt more disordered when I left her office than when I went in!! (In her defense, I was a graduate student, and a nutritionist in a college setting must be on the lookout for eating disorders. But I am still flabbergasted about it to this day: I simply had none of the symptoms. Tracking food is not disordered!).
This was a freak thing, but let us be frank, some people do not want you to succeed—either their misperceptions or upbringing or jealousy gets in the way. You know, some people are actually more comfortable if you’re overweight. Because then you are not putting pressure on them to change their lives.
This gets close to the heart of something very real for me that I rarely see talked about: the anxiety of losing solidarity with other overweight women. That there is something traitorous about becoming the thin one, singling yourself out. I think this can work in couples too, where one partner decides on a lifestyle change that the other resists, but in my experience and opinion it is much worse with fellow women. There are, as Mary Gaitskill once said, two girls, fat and thin.
I’ve thought about this a lot, because over the years I’ve become aware of what I can only describe as anxiety when I am at or near my ideal weight. I’ve never been obese: I’ve always kept myself just plump enough (although, over the years, this has crept up from 10 to 15 to 20+ pounds above where I’d like to be). It’s partly anxiety about unwanted attention, but more often that’s merely uncomfortable, not fear inducing. The anxiety, though: well that is more seriously a fear of being shunned in some way. Being one of the thin women. One of them, not one of us.
I am still trying to sort through what all this means for me, and more importantly start developing strategies now, while my weight loss is still hiding in plain site, for dealing with what I fear might be snarky or jealous or edgy comments from some quarters. I’m trying to run through scenarios in my mind, to be prepared. And I’m also trying to talk about it, here and with trusted people in person, so that I can get a hold on it. It puts a new angle on “emotional eating,” doesn’t it?
Anyway, one of the reasons for this blog is to try to find a support system of other like-minded people on line, those truly dedicated to this process, so we can thrill for each other rather than hold each other back. I hope you’ll come with me.
Sheryl at Bitch Cakes, thanks for the enormous inspiration.
Monday, June 13, 2011
First month on Weight Watchers!
Gentle reader, I am happy to be able to look back on my first month on Weight Watchers and tell you that a lot of exciting changes are already happening for me. I SO wish I had started earlier, because the changes are already pretty magical. I don't just mean the weight loss--which I'll get to in a moment--but my attitude, my hopefulness, my general sense of health and energy: it's just gorgeous how different I feel. My beloved is also looking at me... rather approvingly. He has always made me feel loved and desired no matter what, but it's clear that he is liking what I've been doing. I have also had almost no hypoglycemic episodes (though there was one very bad day, and it began, as bad days almost always do for me, with an inadequate breakfast. If I don't start right, I can't seem to get back on track no matter what I do). I have more energy through the day--so much that I am starting to cut back on caffeine. And my skin is clearer! This is all in 4 1/2 weeks!
So, first: I've lost 6.8 pounds. That might not sound like a lot, but I already look and feel so different. I'm only 5'2", so even that amount of weight loss really changes my shape. It's not just the pounds, but also the exercise, because everything is tighter all around. I didn't have the nerve to take measurements before I started, but I obviously have lost at least 2 or 3" off my hips and waist: skirts that were verrrryy tight now fit comfortably, and I'm confidently putting on outfits I'd hid in the back of my closet for too long. And I've gone back to a less cumbersome cup size. My tummy is flatter, my arms are beginning to look sculpted, my face looks thinner... People! In a month!
The thing is, I've lost weight before. I know how to do it. But I somehow had it in my head that it had been too long, that I was too old, that that was no longer available to me. This was the first of many things that I had to reframe. One thing was reminding myself that although my weight has gone up and down, and I've spent a good four or five years now heavier than I want to be, that I've also spent a lot of my adult life thin: that this wasn't a fluke, or only something achieved through a quick diet, but something I have and can again maintain. To figure that out, I started hunting down old pictures, and while I found plenty where I am overweight and uncomfortable, I also found plenty where I am slender and strong. And I realized during those times, the big difference for me was activity level: regular and serious exercise. If I wanted to be thin again, not for a month or a year but for forever, then I realized I needed to start exercising my heart out. The calorie restriction, as I see it, is the extra push to help me undo the damage of over-eating, and obviously I will need to keep a close eye on the eating even after (especially after) I get to maintenance. But the thing that will keep me healthy, slim, radiantly alive is not one more or one less slice of cheese, but EXERCISE.
I come to this maybe from a different place than some people. I'm just speaking about my experience. Obviously I ate too much, since I'm eating less and losing weight. But I have never had a huge snack tooth. I've eaten a mostly whole foods diet most of my adult life. I haven't eaten meat in 28 years. Fried food disgusts me; I almost never touch candy or chips; I don't think I've had more than 6 or 8 cans of soda in all my years on this earth. I'm not an unhealthy eater. But I DO have monstrously challenging hypoglycemia: and when my blood sugar falls, I will eat a car if I have to in order to feel stabilized again.
So I've figured out that the key for weight loss for me, and the key to a healthy lifestyle, is simply this: blood sugar moderation, and exercise.
At some level, it is actually that simple. When blood sugar is stable, there is less of a biological panic driving me to eat. So eating every 3 or even every 2 hour (even just 10 or 12 almonds) keeps me from ever feeling the need to over eat. And guess what else? Exercise is helping to keep my blood sugar stable too.
I'm figuring a lot of things out, and I feel like I'm figuring out the keys to regain and keep the body that I want. It's beautifully disorienting and simple at the same time.
So, first: I've lost 6.8 pounds. That might not sound like a lot, but I already look and feel so different. I'm only 5'2", so even that amount of weight loss really changes my shape. It's not just the pounds, but also the exercise, because everything is tighter all around. I didn't have the nerve to take measurements before I started, but I obviously have lost at least 2 or 3" off my hips and waist: skirts that were verrrryy tight now fit comfortably, and I'm confidently putting on outfits I'd hid in the back of my closet for too long. And I've gone back to a less cumbersome cup size. My tummy is flatter, my arms are beginning to look sculpted, my face looks thinner... People! In a month!
The thing is, I've lost weight before. I know how to do it. But I somehow had it in my head that it had been too long, that I was too old, that that was no longer available to me. This was the first of many things that I had to reframe. One thing was reminding myself that although my weight has gone up and down, and I've spent a good four or five years now heavier than I want to be, that I've also spent a lot of my adult life thin: that this wasn't a fluke, or only something achieved through a quick diet, but something I have and can again maintain. To figure that out, I started hunting down old pictures, and while I found plenty where I am overweight and uncomfortable, I also found plenty where I am slender and strong. And I realized during those times, the big difference for me was activity level: regular and serious exercise. If I wanted to be thin again, not for a month or a year but for forever, then I realized I needed to start exercising my heart out. The calorie restriction, as I see it, is the extra push to help me undo the damage of over-eating, and obviously I will need to keep a close eye on the eating even after (especially after) I get to maintenance. But the thing that will keep me healthy, slim, radiantly alive is not one more or one less slice of cheese, but EXERCISE.
I come to this maybe from a different place than some people. I'm just speaking about my experience. Obviously I ate too much, since I'm eating less and losing weight. But I have never had a huge snack tooth. I've eaten a mostly whole foods diet most of my adult life. I haven't eaten meat in 28 years. Fried food disgusts me; I almost never touch candy or chips; I don't think I've had more than 6 or 8 cans of soda in all my years on this earth. I'm not an unhealthy eater. But I DO have monstrously challenging hypoglycemia: and when my blood sugar falls, I will eat a car if I have to in order to feel stabilized again.
So I've figured out that the key for weight loss for me, and the key to a healthy lifestyle, is simply this: blood sugar moderation, and exercise.
At some level, it is actually that simple. When blood sugar is stable, there is less of a biological panic driving me to eat. So eating every 3 or even every 2 hour (even just 10 or 12 almonds) keeps me from ever feeling the need to over eat. And guess what else? Exercise is helping to keep my blood sugar stable too.
I'm figuring a lot of things out, and I feel like I'm figuring out the keys to regain and keep the body that I want. It's beautifully disorienting and simple at the same time.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Staying on plan while travelling (part 1)
What kind of emergency/supplemental/long road trip foods should weight-watching hypoglycemic mostly-vegetarian take when going out of town? I'm writing you from my splendid vacation among the lakes and islands of northern Michigan--details of the trip to come. But however splendid the trip, I always worry that I won't be able to find "my food," and have developed a list of supplies that are reasonably portable, keep my blood sugar stable, and allow me to have balanced meals (breakfasts are especially urgent for us hypoglycemics--and if you don't eat eggs, or don't want to eat them every day, it can be a real stressor). Here's what went into my collapsible cooler:
Edensoy travel-size soy milk
Fage (keeps pretty well, since it's yogurt)
Almonds, walnuts, peanuts, peanut butter
Rolled oats
Sandwich with tofurkey, veggies, cheese on Ezekiel break
More Ezekiel bread
Strawberries, blackberries (in tupperware)
Blackberries
Pre-made salad (for eating on the road trip itself--won't last)
Shelled edamame
Nutritional yeast (for adding to served foods)
Protein powder (ditto)
Vitamins
For pescetarians: cans of tuna and sardines
What other foods do you bring? I'll write again later about staying on plan while on vacation: what I've eaten, how I've not made myself or my beloved too crazy about what I'm eating, and what a delight to discover I can actually do so!
Edensoy travel-size soy milk
Fage (keeps pretty well, since it's yogurt)
Almonds, walnuts, peanuts, peanut butter
Rolled oats
Sandwich with tofurkey, veggies, cheese on Ezekiel break
More Ezekiel bread
Strawberries, blackberries (in tupperware)
Blackberries
Pre-made salad (for eating on the road trip itself--won't last)
Shelled edamame
Nutritional yeast (for adding to served foods)
Protein powder (ditto)
Vitamins
For pescetarians: cans of tuna and sardines
What other foods do you bring? I'll write again later about staying on plan while on vacation: what I've eaten, how I've not made myself or my beloved too crazy about what I'm eating, and what a delight to discover I can actually do so!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Weight Watcher
If anyone has found me and come back, you'll notice a change (beyond the aesthetics; I did tweak some of the visuals on the blog, and may play around with those a bit more until I'm satisfied): I've expanded the already silly long title of this blog further still in order to add "Weight Watcher." Ridiculous as it might seem, this actually took some courage. I did, it is true, mention in my first post and in my "about me" that I wanted to lose some weight. But I included it almost as a parenthetical, and in fact not in the first draft of either of those items, as it made me flinch to announce it on the blogosphere ("announce" being a little grandiose, since I think only one or two people have found their way here thus far!). It's a measure of the large degree of shame that I can carry around this issue that I find it hard to say even anonymously, and in "real life" I've mentioned it to no one outside a WW meeting except my beloved and my sister. Which makes it clear that it's pretty damn important to say.
Clearly by first mentioning it as an aside, I wanted to make it seem like it's just not that big a deal--yeah, I'm here to write and think about food, and, um, I'm just going to quietly lose this weight on the side. It's so hard to admit that I have to do this--like it's an admission of failure. And to make it worse, I'm reluctant to talk about my attempt to finally lose the weight out fear of... yes, more failure!! I recognize in an abstract/intellectual way that that's a lot of emotional drama to heave onto this process, that it is unhelpful to make the stakes about shame and failure rather than just about... wanting to lose 20 pounds. But I guess there's very rarely a "just" when it comes to weight, is there?
I've spent some of my adult life really healthy and thin, a lot of it just a little bit overweight, some of it more overweight then I really should be. But in general, especially in recent years, I've hovered 15 pounds above where I'd really like to be, pretty consistently. Not catastrophic, maybe just not catastrophic enough to fool myself into thinking I don't have to do anything about it (if you see the logic). But as a person who is only 5'2", those pounds can make a huge difference. I look at pictures of me at my thinnest and my heaviest, and the difference is pretty shocking.
So. I joined Weight Watchers, for the first time ever, on May 11th. I weighed in at 154.6. My last weigh-in was on May 31st, and I was down to 151.4. Three pounds so far, but already more healthy and toned, thanks to working out really consistently.
My goal at this point is to get down to 134, or a 20 pound loss from my start. I do think this is doable. It's at the upper end of what's considered healthy for someone who is 5'2": the BMI charts list up to 137. But I'm pretty muscular, so I think the BMI doesn't tell the whole story for my body. It's hard to say now, but I think that at 134 I'll look pretty good. Remember, in that first photo I'm probably at 127, and I definitely look thin. (So... maybe the invisible ink goal is to get down to 130 or so, but I'll make that call after I hit my first goal!). I'm 42 now, not 30 like I was in that first photo. And I want a goal that I can achieve and above all maintain. One step at a time.
Clearly by first mentioning it as an aside, I wanted to make it seem like it's just not that big a deal--yeah, I'm here to write and think about food, and, um, I'm just going to quietly lose this weight on the side. It's so hard to admit that I have to do this--like it's an admission of failure. And to make it worse, I'm reluctant to talk about my attempt to finally lose the weight out fear of... yes, more failure!! I recognize in an abstract/intellectual way that that's a lot of emotional drama to heave onto this process, that it is unhelpful to make the stakes about shame and failure rather than just about... wanting to lose 20 pounds. But I guess there's very rarely a "just" when it comes to weight, is there?
I've spent some of my adult life really healthy and thin, a lot of it just a little bit overweight, some of it more overweight then I really should be. But in general, especially in recent years, I've hovered 15 pounds above where I'd really like to be, pretty consistently. Not catastrophic, maybe just not catastrophic enough to fool myself into thinking I don't have to do anything about it (if you see the logic). But as a person who is only 5'2", those pounds can make a huge difference. I look at pictures of me at my thinnest and my heaviest, and the difference is pretty shocking.
So. I joined Weight Watchers, for the first time ever, on May 11th. I weighed in at 154.6. My last weigh-in was on May 31st, and I was down to 151.4. Three pounds so far, but already more healthy and toned, thanks to working out really consistently.
My goal at this point is to get down to 134, or a 20 pound loss from my start. I do think this is doable. It's at the upper end of what's considered healthy for someone who is 5'2": the BMI charts list up to 137. But I'm pretty muscular, so I think the BMI doesn't tell the whole story for my body. It's hard to say now, but I think that at 134 I'll look pretty good. Remember, in that first photo I'm probably at 127, and I definitely look thin. (So... maybe the invisible ink goal is to get down to 130 or so, but I'll make that call after I hit my first goal!). I'm 42 now, not 30 like I was in that first photo. And I want a goal that I can achieve and above all maintain. One step at a time.
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