Online only

After much thought and thanks to so much constructive feedback on the WW boards, I'm now an online only member, effective this morning. It's going to cost me $30 for 3 months, instead of $40 for one month, and all I have to give up are the meetings that are obviously frustrating me so much. I already do all my tracking online, and really my support community is online, so I can't see that I'm giving up much of anything except a 45-minute drive and 45 minutes of boredom! But I hereby make a promise to myself that if I find my resolve/accountability slipping, if I find that I'm underestimating the value of having to show up every week, that I will again become a meetings member.

The only thing I'm sad about is not getting to celebrate my upcoming 10% milestone in a meeting. But since I never found one that felt like a community for me, that's not much of a price to pay--it's more of a notional than an actual loss. I'm so happy with my progress and feeling so dedicated that I think the success itself will be plenty of its own reward.

Thanks to those readers who I know from the WW boards and who offered their advice.

Closing in on 10%!

Another terrible meeting, but a great weigh-in day. Down to 140.4 pounds (my 10% is at 139.1). Almost there!

May 11 (start date):     154.6
July 28 (today, duh):   140.4  (1.3 pounds until 10%)
Goal (mid October?):  128... or maybe even 125

Increments

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling frustrated that the scale wasn't showing much change: a couple of weeks of just losing .4 and .2 and such. There was a lot going on for me at that time (the root canal, and my partner also had a medical emergency) so it made sense that it wasn't the most glowingly successful time (it is hard to eat OP when you're sitting in a hospital waiting room, or driving around from doctor to doctor!). When things get like that, it's easy to hide from the scale for fear of disappointing news. I decided to try the opposite strategy: I decided it was time to weigh myself every day. Now I know that doesn't work for everyone--I know it freaks some people out, or can trigger eating disorder issues if you have them, so caveat emptor! You also have to be philosophical about the daily fluctuations. But what it has somehow allowed me to do is just that: get an objective, geekier bird's eye view, and take the punch out of the weekly "yay" or "boo" of WID.

Since I have one of those schmancy Weight Watcher's scales, which I highly recommend, I am able to keep track of other things too, like body fat and BMI, all electronically calculated for me. I haven't been gathering those figures every day, but usually several times a week. And somehow watching the numbers jostle up and down, but ultimately, zipper-like, in a definite downward trend, has been incredibly encouraging. I won't make it to a meeting for an official weigh in until tomorrow, but here's what its been looking like first thing in the AM, before eating, drinking, or getting dressed:

July 11:  142.3;  30.7% body fat;   BMI 26.2
July 12:  141.2;  30.6% body fat;   BMI 25.9
July 18:  140.9;  30.4% body fat;   BMI 25.9
July 22:  139.9;  30.2% body fat;   BMI 25.7
July 23:  138.8;  29.9% body fat;   BMI 25.5
July 24:  138.0;  29.8% body fat;   BMI 25.4
July 26:  139.3;  29.9% body fat;   BMI 25.5
Jul1 27:  138.2;  30.0% body fat;   BMI 25.4

I am very pleased with the trend I'm seeing here! And however many glasses of water I've had, or whatever other random factors influence my weigh-in tomorrow, I can obviously see the progress here. Home scale wise, in 16 days I've lost 4.1 pounds: just ideal!

Get healthy in the gym; get thin in the kitchen??

I want to talk today about a piece of "conventional" wisdom I see floating around the weight loss boards, one that I find deeply troubling. It is the mantra that one may get healthy in the gym, but that weight loss is about eating alone. I don't understand why this pernicious idea circulates unchecked, but it is frequently intoned as if fact. But it is neither true nor helpful, and doesn't even make any sense.

I have a lot I'd love to say on this topic, but for today: the science. If you want to lose weight AND KEEP IT OFF PERMANENTLY, then you should at least seriously consider looking at what those who have lost weight AND KEPT IT OFF PERMANENTLY have done. The best place for this information that I know is the National Weight Control Registry (http://www.nwcr.ws/). This is an ongoing study of those who have lost 30 pounds or more and maintained their loss for one year. These are the people who are getting it right. I encourage you to read through their site, but I want to point out two essential statistics:

* 98% of Registry participants report that they modified their food intake in some way to lose weight.
* 94% increased their physical activity, with the most frequently reported form of activity being walking.

This is pretty self-explanatory, but let me put it another way. Only 6% of those who maintained weight loss did so without increasing physical activity! Think about that the next time you think about skipping your workout.

The NWCR posts abstracts from dozens of research studies on their site. Here's the abstract of the results of one chronological study: "Obesity is now recognized as a serious chronic disease, but there is pessimism about how successful treatment can be. A general perception is that almost no one succeeds in long-term maintenance of weight loss. To define long-term weight loss success, we need an accepted definition. We propose defining successful long-term weight loss maintenance as intentionally losing at least 10% of initial body weight and keeping it off for at least 1 year. According to this definition, the picture is much more optimistic, with perhaps greater than 20% of overweight/obese persons able to achieve success. We found that in the National Weight Control Registry, successful long-term weight loss maintainers (average weight loss of 30 kg for an average of 5.5 years)  share common behavioral strategies, including eating a diet low in fat, frequent self-monitoring of body weight and food intake, and high levels of regular physical activity. Weight loss maintenance may get easier over time. Once these successful maintainers have maintained a weight loss for 2-5 years, the chances of longer-term success greatly increase."

Here is the abstract from another study: "There is a general perception that almost no one succeeds in long-term maintenance of weight loss. However, research has shown that approximately 20% of overweight individuals are successful at long-term weight loss when defined as losing at least 10% of initial body weight and maintaining the loss for at least 1 y. The National Weight Control Registry provides information about the strategies used by successful weight loss maintainers to achieve and maintain long-term weight loss. National Weight Control Registry members have lost an average of 33 kg and maintained the loss for more than 5 y. To maintain their weight loss, members report engaging in high levels of physical activity ( approximately 1 h/d), eating a low-calorie, low-fat diet, eating breakfast regularly, self-monitoring weight, and maintaining a consistent eating pattern across weekdays and weekends. Moreover, weight loss maintenance may get easier over time; after individuals have successfully maintained their weight loss for 2-5 y, the chance of longer-term success greatly increases. Continued adherence to diet and exercise strategies, low levels of depression and disinhibition, and medical triggers for weight loss are also associated with long-term success. National Weight Control Registry members provide evidence that long-term weight loss maintenance is possible and help identify the specific approaches associated with long-term success."

On weight loss boards, people often bemoan the fact that their physical activity in any given week does not necessarily show up on the scale. But if you are trying to lose weight not for one week but forever, then please think longer term!

Intervals!

There is a woman at my gym who looks pretty extraordinary, and her workout strategy caught my eye. I noticed her alternating between intense runs on the treadmill and sets on the nautilus machines. It took me a little while to work up my nerve to ask her about it, but yesterday I did, and I'm so glad! This woman is in killer shape, and I thought: hell, I definitely want what she has.

Anyway, she told me that her sister-in-law is a trainer, and recommended this interval strategy to her. First, she runs for a mile on the treadmill to warm up. Then does three sets at a machine. Then two super intense minutes on the treadmill (she said she is "comfortable at 8"--all I could think was, YIKES!). Then three sets on a second machine. Then two super intense minutes on the treadmill. Repeat. I forget how much she does altogether: I think it was just three miles total, but enough for 4 or 5 intervals. I was totally impressed, and a little intimidated, but decided I would try some version of this today. I knew I'd have to modify it some since I'm not nearly in that kind of shape (I usually jog along at a 4.5 at most--I'm just thrilled I can actually jog for a half hour now). But I was delighted that I didn't have to modify it nearly as much as I expected!

First, I ran for a half mile. I decided to do it at a 5.0. Then three sets on a machine. Then hopped back on the treadmill, and said, well, what the hell, since it's only a two minute interval, why not bump it up to 5.7? Did two minutes like that, then another three sets on a machine. Then back on the treadmill and thought, well, what the hell. It's only two minutes. Why not bump it up to 6.0? Which I did, and after a minute, said, well, how much harder can 6.5 be?

Four intervals later, I was zooming along at a 7.0 and feeling like a rock star! It was hard work, but not nearly as impossible as I feared, in part because I've started doing something like this in my spinning class (also totally new to me), in part because it really is possible to work very hard if you only have to do it for two minutes. I was done with intervals after that, but added another 10 minute jog at the end (at 5.0: I feel like within one workout, I'm kind of done with the 4s forever), and then had a nice long stretch, which I don't usually leave enough time for. But this was such a quick and efficient workout, it was quite something.

Obviously I can't judge the results after doing it once, but I'm glad I pushed myself to try something new, and given the way people sing the praises of intervals, I'm pretty optimistic. Also, it emboldened me to politely ask others about elements of their workout--in fact, asked two women about particular exercises they were doing with the balance balls, and no one seemed to think it was weird. Very exciting to learn more, to try harder, to discover I can do more than I thought!

Also: saw *138.8 this morning!!

The more I lose, the more I gain confidence that I can meet and exceed prior goals. Not long ago, my goal was just 134 (?). Was that it? I don't even remember. Now I'm definitely set on 128... and beginning to consider 125. Feeling really empowered and hopeful.

Smooches, Bibliogrrl

5'2"; 155/*143/128?  (*I weigh daily at home earlier in the day than my weekly weigh-in at WW, and it's been a great week. Can't wait to see how much if any of this shows up at my official weigh in...)

Frustrated with meetings

Lately I've been getting very frustrated with WW meetings. I wonder if others are experiencing this. I've shopped around quite a bit--I've actually sat in on 5 different leaders' meetings now--and while some are better than others, clearly all the meetings have certain formulaic components and approaches that are part of the corporate plan. I'm not loving it, and thinking about becoming just an "on-line" member. On the other hand, I worry I might fall away from the plan if I'm not checking in every week (?). Trying to mull it over.

What annoys me about meetings is twofold, I think. The first is that the level of information seems very basic, even insulting. I suppose it's being pitched at people who are really learning how to eat healthy for the first time, but that ain't me. I've been eating healthy for decades. The portion control is helpful, but that doesn't take a rocket scientist. In general, it's all pitched at the lowest common denominator, and I find it pretty uninspiring. All the focus on packaged food, crap from McDonald's, hoarding all your points for some big blowout at Chili's or Applebee's--I've never even BEEN to any of those places. I cannot relate.

The second problem, related to the first but even more serious than the first, is the obsessive focus on eating management at the meetings. Yes, I realize this is a diet program (uh, a "lifestyle" program). But it's not as if everyone gained weight only because they didn't know how many ounces of fish to have with their rice. Besides the fact that half of what people are encouraged to eat I would never touch--either as a vegetarian or because I don't eat packaged crap bars--I am bored and frustrated by the constant focus on regulating food consumption: as if everyone who is in Weight Watchers is there because they are a glutton who simply has to learn to control themselves. While obviously overeating is, technically speaking, a component of all weight gain, it is so much more complicated than that. People gain weight because of fear, an unhealthy (even if low calorie) diet, self-sabotage, because they are abuse survivors, because of low self-esteem, all sorts of reasons that go beyond just putting too many forkfuls in the mouth. And it's clear that meeting leaders avoid discussing those emotionally-charged topics like the plague... so instead we spend all our time counting forkfuls. That seems to me to be bailing out the basement while the hole is in the roof.

While I understand that meeting leaders are not therapists, I do think that WW meetings are like support groups. But as it stands, they seem to be groups of women (mostly) supporting each other to put down the fork. But not groups of women supporting each other to understand or privately explore whatever it was that led them to pick up the fork too many times in the first place. Again, that physical retraining is essential if you're going to cut down on calories and actually lose the weight. But I wish there were at least some acknowledgement that if you're going to keep the weight off, you're going to have to figure out your stuff. In the meantime, I'm not sure how much I'm getting out of hearing people talk about how many ounces of chicken they are eating, or how much they love the 2 point whatever bars. It just feels like a waste of time.

I dunno. Must be in a grumpy mood today, which I shouldn't be--I am continuing to lose quite consistently, despite a very challenging couple of weeks! In fact, I saw 139.9 on the scale at home this AM: first time in years I've grazed the 130s. Very encouraging!!

Smooches,
Biblio  (5'2";  155/*143/128)  *139.9 at home this AM!

It's just a feeling

It's been a somewhat difficult week. On Monday I had a root canal, and it went pretty badly awry: got infected, I developed a hemotoma (on my face--I look like I've been punched!) from a misplaced novocaine shot, and I have had to stay on very strong antibiotics. I've stayed on the program diligently, in that I've tracked every day and eaten within range (except for the day I was so miserable I only ate half my points), if not quite as impeccably as usual. But it's hard to feel connected to the project of getting healthy when you're feeling sick. I actually took a nap three days in a row, whereas usually, a nap is about a semi-annual event. And instead of working out my usual 6 days a week, I think I managed to exercise three times.

I should have shrugged this all off. Instead, the negative talk and negative thinking started creeping in right away. It was surprising and alarming how quickly I started to started to disconnect from my identity as a healthy, active weight watcher--how soon I started telling myself, "well, guess that's slipping away." Even though I was tracking, the lack of exercise and lack of energy and just physical pain made a healthy lifestyle feel really remote. I even noticed I was eating fewer greens, whereas previously I've not had any problem meeting my fruit and veggie servings.

When I weighed in at the meeting, I still managed to lose .2 pounds--no great progress on the scale, but at least a tiny loss. Still, the negative talk continued. "Oh well, guess I'm done really losing weight."

What the hell??

Yesterday, still a bit worn out but game to try pushing myself, I made it back to the gym and did 45 minutes on the stair stepper. Today I had a great 90 minute yoga class, after stocking up on greens from the farmer's market. It's 3:30PM and I already have met my good health guidelines for produce. And... the scale showed another pound less than it did just 3 days ago. And guess what? I feel back "in" again. Already?? Does everything change so fast? Is it really so much about my mental attitude.

I realize--and, I think for the first time, I *realized*--that there was no way that a bad week or a bad few days had to derail me. That things just couldn't be lost all that fast! I know how many people fall away from their healthy choices because of one bad choice, one bad day, one extra dessert. Why do we let ourselves do this?? Today in yoga when the teacher suggested that I "set an intention" for the practice, I asked myself to remember that the negative talk was just talk, just a feeling, not the truth. That, as I've learned to do so many other ways through yoga, I can just "watch" the feeling without identifying with it. This was a major breakthrough for me! It's just a thought. It's not the Truth. Maybe at this moment some sabotaging or insecure or tired voice inside me is telling me that I can't do this. But that voice has absolutely no direct line to the facts or to the future. I can do this, and I am doing this, every time I make a healthy decision. There is no light switch that shuts it off and it's over. OK: I didn't exercise Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday because I was miserable and in pain. But I DID go to my spinning class Monday before my root canal (!!), and I did go back to the gym yesterday, and I did go to yoga today!

Epiphany: every day is a brand new day to make good new decisions in.

As of today, according to the home scale: BMI 25.7
Weight: 155/140.3/128  (so close to the 130s! Hooray!!)
Body fat: 30.5%

Getting there!!

Sneaking one in

Had to have a root canal this morning. UGH!

Feeling thrilled that I managed to make it to my Spynga class (spinning + yoga = bliss) early this morning before the endodontist. I was honest with myself and knew I wouldn't want to go after, so, even though I was a bit tired and grumpy (I'm not a big AM exerciser), I did it and it was great!

Also: last weigh-in day, I was down another pound. Very exciting. The progress is going well enough that I've felt brave enough to adjust my goal weight downward. As it is, my BMI is down to 26.2: so close to the healthy weight range (upper end 25). I'm now only "marginally overweight," which is hugely exciting and inspiring!

I owe a longer post, and will be back soon. Just wanted to make sure that no one doubts I'm sticking with it.

xo, Biblio
155/143/128

Avoiding diabetes; avoiding sabotage

My mother has diabetes. I can't recall if I've mentioned that here before or not, but that diagnosis has definitely been a big part of my motivation to lose weight. It sounds silly, but losing weight "just" to look/feel better struck me as too selfish, too superficial (thank goodness, I am learning to change my mind about that: I realize now that that is no "just"!). But losing weight to be healthy and avoid disease seems very reasonable. Although my mother is actually pretty healthy and not insulin-dependent, the idea of the disease itself nonetheless terrifies me, and I absolutely DO NOT WANT TO GET IT. I am aware that my severe hypoglycemia might well be a precursor, that several relatives besides my mother have diabetes, that biology is not on my side, and so I am extremely motivated to do everything in my power to not let it happen.

So far, I have been somewhat private about my weight loss with my family for several personal reasons: above all, there has been a lot of weird competition and jealousy there, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I've always been thinner/healthier/more health-focused than my mom or sister, and when I am thin, I definitely feel the tension with them. At the same time, my parents do believe in taking care of oneself, and are big proponents of the gym, etc. So I made a calculated decision to tell them I was working out a lot, trying to take care of myself, but NOT mentioning Weight Watchers. I simply didn't want my progress losing weight to be so squarely on their radar, to be commented on and called attention to. I want more privacy in the process. It feels safer, easier; for now, at least, I am only telling people whom it is not complicated and fraught to tell (makes sense, no?). When I visited a few weeks ago, they both commented that I was losing weight, and I just smiled and said thanks. I didn't mention Weight Watchers, I didn't even mention dieting. I just said I was exercising a lot and trying to take care of myself. That I didn't want to get diabetes.

That seemed like a really great choice, and I'm sticking with it. But something else funny happened; I noticed that every time I said I wanted to avoid getting diabetes, my mother said "or forestall it." It really got under my skin. And she has starting changing her own narrative about diabetes, saying that she knew, with our bad family history and health issues, that it was "inevitable" that she would get it. And that likewise, all I could do is try to delay it as long as possible.

And I say: bullshit to that. 

I tried and tried to figure out how to deal with this, because I find such messages incredibly undermining and sabotaging. Obviously, I do not have total control over the universe. Genetics will play the hand that it is going to play. But I am not going to roll over and assume that the best I can do is forestall the inevitable. Instead, I am determined to NOT get this disease, and to take every human step I can take to not get it. But I also wanted to address the negative message, in a loving way, to get her on my side. So I wrote this email:

"I also want to thank you for rooting me on with all the healthy changes I'm making. I've been doing some research, specifically into 'how not to get diabetes,' and want to tell you the wonderful news that it is by no means certain that I will get this disease. According to diabetes.org, 'In general, if you have type 2 diabetes, the risk of your child getting diabetes is 1 in 7 if you were diagnosed before age 50 and 1 in 13 if you were diagnosed after age 50.' I think I can beat those odds, and am absolutely determined to make all the lifestyle changes I need to make to make that happen. So let's not talk about merely forestalling, but preventing! That's my wholehearted aim. (Obviously, I can't control the universe, but heck almighty if I'm not going to do my part)."

It felt extremely good to send it. And how could she not respond positively? And indeed, she sent an incredibly encouraging email back, saying she was delighted to hear those statistics and glad I was doing all I can to prevent diabetes.

So delighted--a big non-scale victory: how to turn a place of potential sabotage (however unconscious or even however well-intended) into a place of support!

Five Things

From the WW website: "List five things you’re doing now that you weren’t doing a month ago. Perhaps you’re walking 15 minutes longer, taking the stairs or drinking water. It’s all good. Recognize the positive things you’re doing instead of focusing on what you don’t feel are going so well."

Things happen to be going great. But it is wonderful to remind oneself of everything that is already changing along the way.

1) I ate very well before I joined WW. But now I am eating WONDERFULLY. I can't believe how radiant and alive I am feeling on a whole foods diet (not quite 100%, but very, very close: increasingly infrequent protein powder and increasingly infrequent vegan meat products are almost the only exception). Really and truly, I feel newly focused on all the incredible food I am putting *in* my body, not the food I am "denying" my body. What an epiphany.

2) I am exercising 5-6 days a week, and generally walking more and being more active even on my "rest" days. It is joyful to feel so alive in my body again! I can run for a half-hour nonstop now! (That may not sound like much to you, but to me, it is huge). I rode my bike for 20 miles! I am very excited to think about all my body is doing and will be able to do as I continue down this path. I'm starting to think big thoughts.

3) I am fitting into some of my size 6 clothes again! Just a few more pounds and I will fit into most of them.

4) I have cut way, way back on caffeine. I had been drinking 3 cups a day. I'm now down to 3/4 cup. This is perhaps the single best thing I can do to stop overstimulating my adrenal glands, and ceasing to overstimulate my adrenal glands means less stress/anxiety and better blood sugar management, which also means less overeating to compensate for blood sugar crashes. Hooray!

5) I'm taking my vitamins. I still don't take them every day. There are so many of them I feel like I *should* take for general health and for blood sugar management that sometimes I get overwhelmed by it. But I am taking them pretty consistently 4 or 5 days a week, and it is much more on my radar as a thing I really need to do. And guess how often I took them before WW? Zero times a week!

6) I need to add this. It's not a separate thing I'm doing, but it is a result of 1-5: I am getting close to being in my healthy weight range, and I have made myself less likely, maybe even much less likely, to get diabetes and a whole panoply of other diseases. This one is HUGELY motivating for me!

This was a helpful exercise. I'm not at goal (yet), I'm not a size 4 (yet), I have more positive changes to make. But I truly have transformed my life in only two months. And I am never going back.