Simply continuing

Over the last week and a half I've been traveling, hence the absence from the blog (most sorry!). We visited both my parents and my partner's parents, and that presented some unique challenges to staying on track. I did some things really right (I treated my mother to a yoga class, packed healthy food for the drive, tracked on my iphone), some things were harder to finesse (my in-laws are extremely unhealthy eaters, and it was very hard to make good choices at the kinds of restaurants they took us to). Ultimately, I came home very frustrated at the bad meals eaten, the exercise not taken, the lost time. I did my best, but there were real limits on what I could do, which is so frustrating. It's my body, my food, my time, but when you are at someone else's house, especially in-laws with whom you have a somewhat fraught relationship, sometimes you have to demur on doing things as you would really wish. I consoled myself that it was for a short time, did leg lifts in the bathroom, maintained portion control, and hoped for the best!

The good news is that I actually maintained while I was away--came back weighing exactly the same thing, to the tenth of a pound, when I was of course afraid I definitely would have gained. But the even better news is that I got back on the horse immediately after returning (SO important!). That is, rather than let the shame or frustration take over, I just picked off exactly where I left off. I figured that, well, no one gets fat from eating somewhat crappily and not exercising for a week, right? You get fat from doing that week after week, month after month, year after year... so all I had to do was not succumb to the (FALSE, MISLEADING, SABOTAGING) feeling of futility, and get back to doing what I know I need to do!!! And so: I did.

For several days I continued to... maintain. Same damn number, which by the way was 139.5: thankfully still in the 130's, but .4 most frustrating pounds away from my 10%! I feel like I've been at 139.5 for almost a month, which, essentially, I have (I had plateaud even before our road trip). But I just decided to rededicate myself wholeheartedly again, and trust that the scale would follow. I was almost immediately rewarded for this: today I saw 138.6!! I don't know what it will say tomorrow, but it was like a little hug from the universe reminding me that even if I'm stuck for a little while, I am by no means stuck forever. All I have to do is go back to making excellent choices, and the rest will follow.

This makes me realize, yet again, how often it is bad thinking that has thrown me off course. A sense that a few bad days undermines everything, and that it is hopeless. Why?? It seems to me now that the opposite must be true. The idea of this being a marathon rather than a race is really sinking in, the awareness that I just want to BE a person who eats healthily, exercises (almost) every day, takes good care of myself. It's really starting to happen, my being that person. And so a bad day or week doesn't stop me from being that person--it's just a little bit of behavior. What makes the change permanent is the quotidian, the way you live, not a bad day or a vacation. Don't waste time feeling ashamed or hopeless. Just watch those feelings with curiosity, but don't attach to them. They are, as I've said before, only feelings. The feelings don't get a vote on how you behave or how you eat. Notice them, and then make yourself a gorgeous salad with organic vegetables. Notice them, and then go have a great spinning class. It's the behavior, not the feeling, that will determine who you become (or at least, what you look like!). And keep taking those healthy actions, and the feeling, the story, will also change.