Over the last several weeks, my once- or twice-weekly yoga classes have been a complete joy and a surprise. I was initially very hesitant and intimidated to start yoga again, because it had been *so* long, I was afraid to face how much less I could do, I feared I was too old, I was sure I was too fat. I was essentially mortified in anticipation, because I once had a pretty serious yoga practice, doing Ashtanga Vinyasa 3x a week, and while I was never the most advanced student in the class, I was an avid and competent student. But that was 10 years and more than a few pounds ago. Even then, I was aware how much harder it was in my early 30s than it had been in my early 20s, but I was delighted to see how much I *was* able to do, and how my practice grew and grew over the months. Truth is, while I'd always been on and off with yoga, there was a lot of "on," and so I had a deep well of body memory to draw on. Little by little, I made my way, and was soon doing poses that seemed amazing to me: crane, wheel, fancy inversions, you name it. But in 2004, in a new town and a new relationship, things shifted. I could never find a studio I liked (I really tried), and then I got so busy with my job, new lifestyle habits took over, and I let it drift.
By the time we moved here in 2009, I was missing it quite a bit, but I was so horribly out of shape, and busy with yet another new job and new move, and so I can't say I pursued it hard. I tried a few classes at a local Satyananda studio, which I chose only for proximity, but it bored me to death. I felt overwhelmed by trying to find the right place, and a little hopeless about my ability anyway.
But this summer, since I started turning my life around, I decided to rededicate myself to trying again. I didn't expect much, and I knew I'd have to be humble about my limits, and I knew I'd have to face how much harder it was to do these things 20 pounds heavier, almost a decade older. But you know, I thought, I could just keep waiting and doing nothing, and then I'll be 40 pounds heavier and two decades older, and what's to be gained by that? I should just start now, where I am, and see where it takes me. That's what yoga is about anyway, isn't it?
Well, I have to say, now that I've been at it for a few months, I am indeed humbled, but not in the way I expected. Not by shame, but rather by gratitude. Because as it turns out, yoga was waiting for me all this time. And I do not suck, and I am getting better, but most importantly I am finding myself able to bring my whole heart to it, and I feel like it keeps bringing its whole heart to me. It's slow, but every week I find myself able to do things I haven't done in a decade. Stepping one foot up between my hands from down dog: did it, and I could barely do that in the old days! Head stand: my first unassisted headstand (hell, headstand of any kind) in a decade! Triangle, as gorgeous and open for me as I remembered. Chataranga, which has led to developing such arm strength that I can now do two sets of 15 "men's" pushups (I couldn't do a single push up in May!!). It's like relearning an old friend, which is also me, and it is creating a wonderful time of introversion and care in weeks that are often very hectic.
In fact, I've now come to the point where I'm disappointed that I can't go to classes more (I can't afford an unlimited pass, and once a week is all I can reasonably budget). But then I thought: why not practice on my own? I've always been a bit shy about doing a private practice--unconfident. But that's how all the best students really advance: not from a once-a-week class, but from daily practice. And so I thought: why not try it?
And so, well, I am. I've decided to set the alarm 45 minutes earlier every day, and simply do a half hour of yoga (the extra time for changing, rolling out my mat, setting up a tape, etc.), unless it's on a day I'm going to an actual yoga class. I'm going to do it regardless of what other exercise I have planned that day; for one thing, that way I know I'll at least meet my 30 minute physical activity minimum. And more important, or equally important, will be starting my day with my practice, instead of with my email or my chores. I can set an intention for the day, and begin it from a centered place, a place of self-care, and dedication to this important higher purpose. Then I can proceed with my work, my house care, my dog care, my exercise all the wonderful and busy stuff of life. But I can start it after 30 minutes--just 30 minutes--for me.
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