Weigh-in day: I did it!! 10% gone!
Start weight: 154.6
Weigh in: 138.6
Goal: 128
I am very happy.
(In fact, I actually weighed in at 138.1 today. But since I went to a sauna last night, I am assuming that some portion of that is water weight. Since I was at 138.6 for most of the week, I decided I'd count that as the "real" weight for today. But it sure was nice to see the lower number! I look forward to seeing it again.)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
New goal: practicing every day
Over the last several weeks, my once- or twice-weekly yoga classes have been a complete joy and a surprise. I was initially very hesitant and intimidated to start yoga again, because it had been *so* long, I was afraid to face how much less I could do, I feared I was too old, I was sure I was too fat. I was essentially mortified in anticipation, because I once had a pretty serious yoga practice, doing Ashtanga Vinyasa 3x a week, and while I was never the most advanced student in the class, I was an avid and competent student. But that was 10 years and more than a few pounds ago. Even then, I was aware how much harder it was in my early 30s than it had been in my early 20s, but I was delighted to see how much I *was* able to do, and how my practice grew and grew over the months. Truth is, while I'd always been on and off with yoga, there was a lot of "on," and so I had a deep well of body memory to draw on. Little by little, I made my way, and was soon doing poses that seemed amazing to me: crane, wheel, fancy inversions, you name it. But in 2004, in a new town and a new relationship, things shifted. I could never find a studio I liked (I really tried), and then I got so busy with my job, new lifestyle habits took over, and I let it drift.
By the time we moved here in 2009, I was missing it quite a bit, but I was so horribly out of shape, and busy with yet another new job and new move, and so I can't say I pursued it hard. I tried a few classes at a local Satyananda studio, which I chose only for proximity, but it bored me to death. I felt overwhelmed by trying to find the right place, and a little hopeless about my ability anyway.
But this summer, since I started turning my life around, I decided to rededicate myself to trying again. I didn't expect much, and I knew I'd have to be humble about my limits, and I knew I'd have to face how much harder it was to do these things 20 pounds heavier, almost a decade older. But you know, I thought, I could just keep waiting and doing nothing, and then I'll be 40 pounds heavier and two decades older, and what's to be gained by that? I should just start now, where I am, and see where it takes me. That's what yoga is about anyway, isn't it?
Well, I have to say, now that I've been at it for a few months, I am indeed humbled, but not in the way I expected. Not by shame, but rather by gratitude. Because as it turns out, yoga was waiting for me all this time. And I do not suck, and I am getting better, but most importantly I am finding myself able to bring my whole heart to it, and I feel like it keeps bringing its whole heart to me. It's slow, but every week I find myself able to do things I haven't done in a decade. Stepping one foot up between my hands from down dog: did it, and I could barely do that in the old days! Head stand: my first unassisted headstand (hell, headstand of any kind) in a decade! Triangle, as gorgeous and open for me as I remembered. Chataranga, which has led to developing such arm strength that I can now do two sets of 15 "men's" pushups (I couldn't do a single push up in May!!). It's like relearning an old friend, which is also me, and it is creating a wonderful time of introversion and care in weeks that are often very hectic.
In fact, I've now come to the point where I'm disappointed that I can't go to classes more (I can't afford an unlimited pass, and once a week is all I can reasonably budget). But then I thought: why not practice on my own? I've always been a bit shy about doing a private practice--unconfident. But that's how all the best students really advance: not from a once-a-week class, but from daily practice. And so I thought: why not try it?
And so, well, I am. I've decided to set the alarm 45 minutes earlier every day, and simply do a half hour of yoga (the extra time for changing, rolling out my mat, setting up a tape, etc.), unless it's on a day I'm going to an actual yoga class. I'm going to do it regardless of what other exercise I have planned that day; for one thing, that way I know I'll at least meet my 30 minute physical activity minimum. And more important, or equally important, will be starting my day with my practice, instead of with my email or my chores. I can set an intention for the day, and begin it from a centered place, a place of self-care, and dedication to this important higher purpose. Then I can proceed with my work, my house care, my dog care, my exercise all the wonderful and busy stuff of life. But I can start it after 30 minutes--just 30 minutes--for me.
By the time we moved here in 2009, I was missing it quite a bit, but I was so horribly out of shape, and busy with yet another new job and new move, and so I can't say I pursued it hard. I tried a few classes at a local Satyananda studio, which I chose only for proximity, but it bored me to death. I felt overwhelmed by trying to find the right place, and a little hopeless about my ability anyway.
But this summer, since I started turning my life around, I decided to rededicate myself to trying again. I didn't expect much, and I knew I'd have to be humble about my limits, and I knew I'd have to face how much harder it was to do these things 20 pounds heavier, almost a decade older. But you know, I thought, I could just keep waiting and doing nothing, and then I'll be 40 pounds heavier and two decades older, and what's to be gained by that? I should just start now, where I am, and see where it takes me. That's what yoga is about anyway, isn't it?
Well, I have to say, now that I've been at it for a few months, I am indeed humbled, but not in the way I expected. Not by shame, but rather by gratitude. Because as it turns out, yoga was waiting for me all this time. And I do not suck, and I am getting better, but most importantly I am finding myself able to bring my whole heart to it, and I feel like it keeps bringing its whole heart to me. It's slow, but every week I find myself able to do things I haven't done in a decade. Stepping one foot up between my hands from down dog: did it, and I could barely do that in the old days! Head stand: my first unassisted headstand (hell, headstand of any kind) in a decade! Triangle, as gorgeous and open for me as I remembered. Chataranga, which has led to developing such arm strength that I can now do two sets of 15 "men's" pushups (I couldn't do a single push up in May!!). It's like relearning an old friend, which is also me, and it is creating a wonderful time of introversion and care in weeks that are often very hectic.
In fact, I've now come to the point where I'm disappointed that I can't go to classes more (I can't afford an unlimited pass, and once a week is all I can reasonably budget). But then I thought: why not practice on my own? I've always been a bit shy about doing a private practice--unconfident. But that's how all the best students really advance: not from a once-a-week class, but from daily practice. And so I thought: why not try it?
And so, well, I am. I've decided to set the alarm 45 minutes earlier every day, and simply do a half hour of yoga (the extra time for changing, rolling out my mat, setting up a tape, etc.), unless it's on a day I'm going to an actual yoga class. I'm going to do it regardless of what other exercise I have planned that day; for one thing, that way I know I'll at least meet my 30 minute physical activity minimum. And more important, or equally important, will be starting my day with my practice, instead of with my email or my chores. I can set an intention for the day, and begin it from a centered place, a place of self-care, and dedication to this important higher purpose. Then I can proceed with my work, my house care, my dog care, my exercise all the wonderful and busy stuff of life. But I can start it after 30 minutes--just 30 minutes--for me.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Simply continuing
Over the last week and a half I've been traveling, hence the absence from the blog (most sorry!). We visited both my parents and my partner's parents, and that presented some unique challenges to staying on track. I did some things really right (I treated my mother to a yoga class, packed healthy food for the drive, tracked on my iphone), some things were harder to finesse (my in-laws are extremely unhealthy eaters, and it was very hard to make good choices at the kinds of restaurants they took us to). Ultimately, I came home very frustrated at the bad meals eaten, the exercise not taken, the lost time. I did my best, but there were real limits on what I could do, which is so frustrating. It's my body, my food, my time, but when you are at someone else's house, especially in-laws with whom you have a somewhat fraught relationship, sometimes you have to demur on doing things as you would really wish. I consoled myself that it was for a short time, did leg lifts in the bathroom, maintained portion control, and hoped for the best!
The good news is that I actually maintained while I was away--came back weighing exactly the same thing, to the tenth of a pound, when I was of course afraid I definitely would have gained. But the even better news is that I got back on the horse immediately after returning (SO important!). That is, rather than let the shame or frustration take over, I just picked off exactly where I left off. I figured that, well, no one gets fat from eating somewhat crappily and not exercising for a week, right? You get fat from doing that week after week, month after month, year after year... so all I had to do was not succumb to the (FALSE, MISLEADING, SABOTAGING) feeling of futility, and get back to doing what I know I need to do!!! And so: I did.
For several days I continued to... maintain. Same damn number, which by the way was 139.5: thankfully still in the 130's, but .4 most frustrating pounds away from my 10%! I feel like I've been at 139.5 for almost a month, which, essentially, I have (I had plateaud even before our road trip). But I just decided to rededicate myself wholeheartedly again, and trust that the scale would follow. I was almost immediately rewarded for this: today I saw 138.6!! I don't know what it will say tomorrow, but it was like a little hug from the universe reminding me that even if I'm stuck for a little while, I am by no means stuck forever. All I have to do is go back to making excellent choices, and the rest will follow.
This makes me realize, yet again, how often it is bad thinking that has thrown me off course. A sense that a few bad days undermines everything, and that it is hopeless. Why?? It seems to me now that the opposite must be true. The idea of this being a marathon rather than a race is really sinking in, the awareness that I just want to BE a person who eats healthily, exercises (almost) every day, takes good care of myself. It's really starting to happen, my being that person. And so a bad day or week doesn't stop me from being that person--it's just a little bit of behavior. What makes the change permanent is the quotidian, the way you live, not a bad day or a vacation. Don't waste time feeling ashamed or hopeless. Just watch those feelings with curiosity, but don't attach to them. They are, as I've said before, only feelings. The feelings don't get a vote on how you behave or how you eat. Notice them, and then make yourself a gorgeous salad with organic vegetables. Notice them, and then go have a great spinning class. It's the behavior, not the feeling, that will determine who you become (or at least, what you look like!). And keep taking those healthy actions, and the feeling, the story, will also change.
The good news is that I actually maintained while I was away--came back weighing exactly the same thing, to the tenth of a pound, when I was of course afraid I definitely would have gained. But the even better news is that I got back on the horse immediately after returning (SO important!). That is, rather than let the shame or frustration take over, I just picked off exactly where I left off. I figured that, well, no one gets fat from eating somewhat crappily and not exercising for a week, right? You get fat from doing that week after week, month after month, year after year... so all I had to do was not succumb to the (FALSE, MISLEADING, SABOTAGING) feeling of futility, and get back to doing what I know I need to do!!! And so: I did.
For several days I continued to... maintain. Same damn number, which by the way was 139.5: thankfully still in the 130's, but .4 most frustrating pounds away from my 10%! I feel like I've been at 139.5 for almost a month, which, essentially, I have (I had plateaud even before our road trip). But I just decided to rededicate myself wholeheartedly again, and trust that the scale would follow. I was almost immediately rewarded for this: today I saw 138.6!! I don't know what it will say tomorrow, but it was like a little hug from the universe reminding me that even if I'm stuck for a little while, I am by no means stuck forever. All I have to do is go back to making excellent choices, and the rest will follow.
This makes me realize, yet again, how often it is bad thinking that has thrown me off course. A sense that a few bad days undermines everything, and that it is hopeless. Why?? It seems to me now that the opposite must be true. The idea of this being a marathon rather than a race is really sinking in, the awareness that I just want to BE a person who eats healthily, exercises (almost) every day, takes good care of myself. It's really starting to happen, my being that person. And so a bad day or week doesn't stop me from being that person--it's just a little bit of behavior. What makes the change permanent is the quotidian, the way you live, not a bad day or a vacation. Don't waste time feeling ashamed or hopeless. Just watch those feelings with curiosity, but don't attach to them. They are, as I've said before, only feelings. The feelings don't get a vote on how you behave or how you eat. Notice them, and then make yourself a gorgeous salad with organic vegetables. Notice them, and then go have a great spinning class. It's the behavior, not the feeling, that will determine who you become (or at least, what you look like!). And keep taking those healthy actions, and the feeling, the story, will also change.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
15 pounds!
Weigh in day today: down 15 pounds exactly! Another half-pound, and I hit my 10%. Happy!
Start May 11: 154.6
Today Aug 3: 139.6
Goal (Oct ?): 128
Start May 11: 154.6
Today Aug 3: 139.6
Goal (Oct ?): 128
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Goals looking ahead
Tomorrow will be my first weigh-in after moving from a WW meetings membership to an online only membership. I'm certainly not regretting the decision to cancel the meetings portion. I'm feeling like staying on plan is about the decisions I make hour after hour every day, and the one hour meeting is such a tiny part of that. But it does mean I won't have anyone in real life to keep an eye on me and cheer me on (beyond my partner and the few friends that I've mentioned this journey to). So I wanted to look ahead and inspire myself by thinking about my upcoming goals!
So far I've lost 14.4 pounds since I joined WW. I might have shaved off one or two on my own before then, but we're not counting the unknown. This means I am super close to my next very major goal. When I hit 139.1, either tomorrow or the following week or whenever it is, then I will have lost 15 pounds--a total of 10% of my body weight, since joining WW at 154.6 pounds on May 11th. This will be a thrilling success for me, because I know that losing that 10% is something of a magic number in terms of disease risk reduction (those who are new readers: my mother's diagnosis with diabetes was a major motivator in my starting this process). It also means I will be at least halfway towards my ultimate goal! At 139.1, I start making my way into more of my size 6 clothes. And people have begun to really notice.
The next major goal, only 5 pounds more after that, is 134. This is an important number because it was actually my original goal when I joined WW. At 5'2", the upper number listed as "healthy" on the BMI chart is 137, and I knew I wanted to be a few pounds below that. But as I've lost weight and found myself succeeding at this process, I knew that I no longer wanted my goal to only be 134. That's for large-boned women, really, and I'm pretty sure I'm medium boned. But nonetheless, it will put me officially in the healthy range, with a BMI of 24.5. It will put me out of a size 8 except for a few slacks and into a size 6 just about completely. And it will put me at the 28th percentile for my age and height! I haven't weighed this since about 2005 or 2006. It's a genuine goal, a weight at which I look healthy and good.
After that, I have my heart set on 128. This is currently my official goal weight. When I hit 128, I will almost certainly be a size 4 in tops and skirts (I work out hard, and I'm pretty compact!) and a size 6 in pants. I may, just may, sneak down from a D cup to a C cup (this is GOOD NEWS!! I started as a overflowing 34DD, and I'm already down to a light 32D--a much happier size for me). My BMI will be 23.4, and I will be in the 21st percentile for my age and height! But above all I know I will feel so much lighter. Activities I adore will be so much easier (they already are). Joints will feel better, back will feel better, I will look and feel better. This is a weight I haven't been probably since 1997 or 1998. But I now believe it is achievable!
My new maybe just maybe dream weight is 125. I'm not setting it as a goal weight (yet), because I believe that at 128 I will look great and be healthy, and I can reassess then if more is desirable. But if I could maintain 125 without agony, then that would mean a total of 30 pounds lost, a weight I have not been in 15 years, a BMI of 22.9 (18th percentile), and a damn hot derriere. Also: SO much less likely to get diabetes, cancer, etc.! Also, yoga will be so wonderful, without parts of my body actually getting in the way! Also, true C cup, true size 4, truly awesome!
One step at a time. But these huge goals are not actually huge numbers away for me. They are all achievable a few pounds at a time. And I will achieve them!
So far I've lost 14.4 pounds since I joined WW. I might have shaved off one or two on my own before then, but we're not counting the unknown. This means I am super close to my next very major goal. When I hit 139.1, either tomorrow or the following week or whenever it is, then I will have lost 15 pounds--a total of 10% of my body weight, since joining WW at 154.6 pounds on May 11th. This will be a thrilling success for me, because I know that losing that 10% is something of a magic number in terms of disease risk reduction (those who are new readers: my mother's diagnosis with diabetes was a major motivator in my starting this process). It also means I will be at least halfway towards my ultimate goal! At 139.1, I start making my way into more of my size 6 clothes. And people have begun to really notice.
The next major goal, only 5 pounds more after that, is 134. This is an important number because it was actually my original goal when I joined WW. At 5'2", the upper number listed as "healthy" on the BMI chart is 137, and I knew I wanted to be a few pounds below that. But as I've lost weight and found myself succeeding at this process, I knew that I no longer wanted my goal to only be 134. That's for large-boned women, really, and I'm pretty sure I'm medium boned. But nonetheless, it will put me officially in the healthy range, with a BMI of 24.5. It will put me out of a size 8 except for a few slacks and into a size 6 just about completely. And it will put me at the 28th percentile for my age and height! I haven't weighed this since about 2005 or 2006. It's a genuine goal, a weight at which I look healthy and good.
After that, I have my heart set on 128. This is currently my official goal weight. When I hit 128, I will almost certainly be a size 4 in tops and skirts (I work out hard, and I'm pretty compact!) and a size 6 in pants. I may, just may, sneak down from a D cup to a C cup (this is GOOD NEWS!! I started as a overflowing 34DD, and I'm already down to a light 32D--a much happier size for me). My BMI will be 23.4, and I will be in the 21st percentile for my age and height! But above all I know I will feel so much lighter. Activities I adore will be so much easier (they already are). Joints will feel better, back will feel better, I will look and feel better. This is a weight I haven't been probably since 1997 or 1998. But I now believe it is achievable!
My new maybe just maybe dream weight is 125. I'm not setting it as a goal weight (yet), because I believe that at 128 I will look great and be healthy, and I can reassess then if more is desirable. But if I could maintain 125 without agony, then that would mean a total of 30 pounds lost, a weight I have not been in 15 years, a BMI of 22.9 (18th percentile), and a damn hot derriere. Also: SO much less likely to get diabetes, cancer, etc.! Also, yoga will be so wonderful, without parts of my body actually getting in the way! Also, true C cup, true size 4, truly awesome!
One step at a time. But these huge goals are not actually huge numbers away for me. They are all achievable a few pounds at a time. And I will achieve them!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Online only
After much thought and thanks to so much constructive feedback on the WW boards, I'm now an online only member, effective this morning. It's going to cost me $30 for 3 months, instead of $40 for one month, and all I have to give up are the meetings that are obviously frustrating me so much. I already do all my tracking online, and really my support community is online, so I can't see that I'm giving up much of anything except a 45-minute drive and 45 minutes of boredom! But I hereby make a promise to myself that if I find my resolve/accountability slipping, if I find that I'm underestimating the value of having to show up every week, that I will again become a meetings member.
The only thing I'm sad about is not getting to celebrate my upcoming 10% milestone in a meeting. But since I never found one that felt like a community for me, that's not much of a price to pay--it's more of a notional than an actual loss. I'm so happy with my progress and feeling so dedicated that I think the success itself will be plenty of its own reward.
Thanks to those readers who I know from the WW boards and who offered their advice.
The only thing I'm sad about is not getting to celebrate my upcoming 10% milestone in a meeting. But since I never found one that felt like a community for me, that's not much of a price to pay--it's more of a notional than an actual loss. I'm so happy with my progress and feeling so dedicated that I think the success itself will be plenty of its own reward.
Thanks to those readers who I know from the WW boards and who offered their advice.
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